The armor I wear

“Recently, I realized there was something that held me back for years. It was my armor. Layer by layer, I had carefully crafted a hard shell that protected me from the outside world. Every “thing” that happened, every year that passed, another layer was added. My shell eventually became so hard that I found myself covered in self doubt, self judgment, and just overall worry about myself and everything around me. I was also really angry and didn’t know why. 

I would love to say that one day I realized this and then I went on to pursue my happily ever after, but actually what happened was a really big fall…and another…and another. Unexpected career shifts, deaths of close loved ones, medical issues. The falls kept happening that finally caused my shell to wear off layer by layer. Stripped down, I had to build a new version of me. I later realized it was the real version of me—one that was hopeful and much more at peace.

Now I realize that life just happens. Sometimes it brings joy and sometimes it brings humility. I used to think humility was a negative term but it was there that I was able to grow and find peace. I don’t even know the person I was before my armor wore off. It really doesn’t make sense to me. How do bad things bring good? It’s such a paradox. However it works, the armor I wear now is much thinner, permeable, and open to the possibilities. Sometimes it gets quite hard again, but now I know how to have hope, persevere, and find the strength in myself to believe another outcome is possible.”

-E.E.