On the outside, it probably looks like I have most things together. I have a good job, my family has what they need, and our house is usually pretty organized. I'm not saying everything is perfect, but I really do have a good life.
I enjoy my job. I get good evaluations, my supervisor is happy with my work, and I handle pressure pretty well. At home, I keep up with the laundry, make dinner, spend time with my kids, and even manage to exercise a few times a week.
There's always something to do, but I get it done. That's just how I've always been.
The problem is, I'm tired. A lot.
And it's not just being physically tired. It's more like my brain never really shuts off. Even when I'm not doing anything, I'm thinking about everything I need to do. There's always another appointment to make, something to pick up at the store, or something I forgot to take care of.
Sometimes I'll finally sit down at night and realize I've spent the entire day doing things for work or for someone else. And then I start thinking about tomorrow.
But I also feel bad complaining about it. I mean, what do I really have to complain about? My family is healthy, I like my job, and we have a nice home. There are people dealing with much harder things than I am.
So I usually just tell myself to stop complaining and keep going.
I have a close friend who I've known for years. We talk about pretty much everything, and she's someone I trust to tell me the truth, even when it's something I might not want to hear.
A few months ago, we were having one of our usual conversations when she told me she'd noticed that I seemed stressed a lot lately. She said I always seemed to be in a hurry, even when we were doing something fun. She also mentioned that I wasn't smiling as much and that I'd been pretty hard on myself.
I was honestly surprised. I knew I was busy, but I didn't think it was that noticeable.
Of course, once she said it, I started paying attention. And she was right.
I noticed that even when I had time to relax, I was thinking about what I should be doing instead. If I sat down to watch something on TV, I'd feel like I was wasting time. Even exercising, which I used to enjoy, had become another thing on my list.
I don't know when that happened.
I started wondering if I'd gotten so used to being busy that I didn't really know how to stop.
The frustrating part was that I couldn't see what I was supposed to change. I still had to work. My kids still needed me. Dinner wasn't going to make itself, and neither was the laundry.
I couldn't exactly take a vacation from my life.
After thinking about it for a while, I brought it up with my friend again. She told me she'd been through something very similar and knew exactly what I was talking about.
We ended up having a pretty long conversation about how hard it is to say no when you're used to being the person who gets things done.
She also asked me something I hadn't thought much about. How many of the things I was doing actually needed to be done right then?
I didn't have a great answer.
Because when I really started looking at it, there were quite a few things I was putting on myself. Nobody was telling me the laundry had to be folded before bed. Nobody was insisting that I get every little thing done before I could sit down.
I was the one doing that.
So I've been trying to make some changes. Nothing huge, just little things here and there.
I've started saying no to things when I really don't have the time or energy. That's been uncomfortable, especially when someone asks me for something and my first instinct is to say yes.
But the harder part has actually been saying no to myself.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that something can wait until tomorrow. Or that I don't need to spend every free hour getting ahead on something.
A couple of weekends ago, I had some time to myself and decided to sit outside with a book and a cup of coffee. Normally, I would have found something around the house to do.
I probably thought about getting up at least five times.
But I didn't. I stayed outside, finished my coffee, and read for a while. And it was really nice.
I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but for me it kind of was.
I'm still figuring this out. Some days I do pretty well, and other days I fall right back into my usual habits. I still feel guilty sometimes when I don't get everything done.
But I'm starting to have a little more time to myself, and I didn't realize how much I'd been missing that.
I don't think my life is going to get less busy anytime soon. I'm just trying to stop making it harder on myself than it already is.
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