A Beautiful Mess
“I remember thinking, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. It is supposed to be easy, fun, light, bright, full. But I was feeling dread, heavy, scared, unsure.
It was the first time I really felt let down by life. I was young and had some idealistic thoughts of what life was going to look like. Or at least what it should look like. I couldn’t imagine what could possibly come next, what with this bursting of the bubble that I thought was life?
I had a picture of what it was going to look like. But then life happened. I remember when it all changed for me. I had a career, a daily schedule, a partner, a dog. I thought it was all set to unfold a certain way from that point forward. Then, a series of unfortunate events changed it all. This was a complete shock to my system. And the biggest shock? It was all started by me.
Now, for someone who thought that life was going to look a certain way, that sure was contrary to keeping it. What changed? Everything. My home, my job, my friends, my relationship status.
What happened? One day, seemingly out of nowhere, I ended my relationship. Soon after, I moved. Then I quit my job. Looking back, it’s like a domino effect was set in motion of changes that could not be reversed. And nothing was thought through. I felt like I just needed to go. Where? I have no idea. I ended up moving multiple times, starting a new job, making some horrible decisions with friends, and overall just...blowing up my life!
The changes were honestly dizzying and scary. Life became really heavy. I sometimes panicked, other times felt numb, and sometimes was just convinced I’d ruined something irreversibly.
I know that people around me didn’t know what to do with me. I didn’t know what to do with me.
It’s easy for me now to think, what were you doing?! I realized I hadn’t changed my life on purpose. I had merely fled it. Things felt scary and unpredictable and I was looking for a way to make it feel comfortable and predictable.
Rebuilding was much slower than the collapse. Through careful and intentional steps, I found steadier ground. I really just had to find my real self. I also had to learn what to do with fear and how to pause before leaping.
Life did not feel better overnight. Slowly, I became the person I knew I was, but with an added touch of confidence and courage. I also learned something I wished I’d known earlier. We do not make perfect life decisions. Some of them are clumsy, painful, and deeply human. I eventually learned how to give myself grace and understanding, because to think we should have it all figured out is so unrealistic.
Reflecting on what I later labeled as a loss, I realized I felt betrayed by a naivete that life would be comfortable, good, happy all the time. And I thought this was the only time it would happen! Over the years, I’ve realized it happens over and over again. Jobs, hobbies, kids, friends, money.
After many, “I think it’s going to be this way” experiences that weren’t, I’ve learned that the only thing I can do is let go. Loosen up on what I think life is going to look like. I get practice all the time and, frankly, I don’t like it! I guess the trick to letting go is believing that everything is the way that it is supposed to be, even if it is not how I thought it would be - even myself. And if I am going to accept that, then letting go is the answer.
Today, I am working on what life really is. Life is messy, beautiful, scary, hopeful, inspiring, and challenging—and living fully means allowing it to be all of those things.”
-Anonymous
