The Tug of War in My Head

“I woke up that Thursday morning, replaying the conversation in my head again. 

I hadn’t even seen my boss all week and yet I had told her already in 5 different ways about my need for time off. 

Since I had already approached her with the same concerns before, I was worried that she would think I was trying to avoid dealing with it, or cause a problem for the team. Or worse, that I just wasn’t a good employee. 

I also kept running through the list of things that wouldn’t get done if I took time off.

It felt like an internal tug of war happening inside.

One part of me knew I was exhausted and needed time to reset. The other part kept insisting that responsible people push through. That they don’t inconvenience others and they certainly don’t ask for time off when there’s so much work to do.

When I have a difficult decision to make or a difficult conversation I need to have with someone, I replay the possible outcomes over and over again. 

I imagine what could go wrong, how the other person might react, or the version of myself that might get it wrong.

Really, I just worry about me. What I think of myself is very much determined by making the right choices or saying the right things. 

The following Monday, I met with my boss and had the conversation. She was clearly a little stressed by it but told me she understood. I worked a few days and took a much needed long weekend to unload the weight I had been carrying from the latest project. 

I realized two things. 

First, the time off allowed me to breathe. I didn’t realize just how weighed down I felt until I stepped away for a few days. 

When I finally slowed down, I noticed something surprising. The pressure I had been carrying wasn’t only coming from work. A lot of it was coming from the expectations I had placed on myself.

Second, I spoke up for my needs. And I lived to tell about it.

The world didn’t fall apart. The project continued. And I was still a good employee. 

I still care about doing good work. But I’m starting to realize that taking care of myself isn’t the opposite of being responsible. Sometimes it’s exactly what allows me to keep showing up.

It makes me wonder how many of us are carrying weight we don’t even realize we’re holding.

And whether it’s worth losing ourselves over.”

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Even in the mud, something is beginning.